After experiencing two births, unfortunately it was the aftermath of my first born, Jack, I really suffered from. I fell pregnant with him in July 2019. Little did the world know we would end up in a Corona Virus pandemic lock down very soon. News was being spread across the world from around November time about this deadly virus epidemic in China but I don't think any of us seriously thought it would end up affecting all corners of the globe. 

 

  When I was 8 months pregnant with Jack it was announced we would be going into lockdown. Many people had caught the virus and there were mass quantities of hospital admissions and deaths. The government of England at the time had to do something and like many other countries we went into lockdown on March 23rd 2020. Of course, naturally I was nervous and scared about introducing a baby in the midst of a viral disease spreading like wild fire. There was very little known about Covid and becoming a new mother for the first time was scary. 

 

  When I went into hospital Adam was not allowed in with me. I was in labour and having strong and frequent contractions. Adam dropped me to a temporary entrance (used for people attending one side of the hospital) and from there I was made to walk to the labour ward on my own with no one to help. I broke down in the hall several times in pain. At the time I couldn't believe I was in that situation. But it was out of my control and the rules were no one could come into hospital with you regardless of your medical situation. It must have taken me about 20 minutes to get through the halls. 

 

  Eventually, I got near the ward and a midwife whom at the time was pushing another labouring women in a wheelchair spotted me struggling to walk. She stopped to help me and managed to get both of us to where we needed to go. I assumed this other women was being carted from one labour ward to a different labour ward. She was in a lot more pain than I was. I remember feeling sad for her because she was on her own, like the rest of us, and she seemed very scared and near pushing stages. 

 

 Anyways, I get escorted into the birthing suite and the midwives looked at me with wide eyes and could tell I was in established labour with the amount of times I was folding over. They asked for my birthing partners phone number and called Adam whom was sat in the car park at the time waiting to know what was happening. Thankfully, he was called in and was allowed to stay with me for the rest of the birth. Fast forward to some hours later and I gave birth to Jack in the water. The overall time spent there considering all hospital rules were under tight restrictions it was actually a lovely experience. Weirdly enough, Adam and I were the only people in the birthing suite and we had the whole ward to ourselves. I suppose no ones else was giving birth that day! Lucky!

 

  Jack was born at 2:25am and we were discharged from hospital near midday. We came home and remember thinking "What do we do now?!" It was a strange feeling. An exciting one but a strange one! We went from it being just us two to now there's three of us. Even Tony our cat was weirded out. We sat on the couch together with Jack and we couldn't stop looking at him. I was in aww at the fact I just grew that little human in my tummy and now here he is in the flesh and blood and he's our responsibility. We fell in love with him and we both loved our new roles as parents. 

 

  Within that first week my emotions were up and down. Day 2 I woke up in the morning and went to brush my teeth. I remember whilst brushing I randomly broke down and started ugly crying. I remember thinking "why am I crying like this?!" I wasn't even unhappy or upset about anything in particular. The midwife visited us later that day to check over both Jack and I and I asked her why I would cry like that out of nowhere. She said it was completely normal. It's called the baby blues and it's a rush of hormones readjusting your body post baby that make you cry like that.

 

  This kept happening to me. Even after the first week it continued. Through out the first month, as much as I loved Jack I could feel I was developing anxiety. I never suffered anxiety before but I could instinctively feel anxiety was what I was experiencing. I spoke to my midwife and she told me to keep an eye on it. I was advised to write my feelings down to keep a record of how I felt day to day. I did this in my phone notes.  

 

  When Adam went back to work that was the significant turning point in my feelings. I plummeted through the floor. The anxiety got bad and depression was kicking in. Not to forget I had no choice but to be confined to my house because we were in a national lockdown. No one was allowed in and I was not allowed out unless I needed food shopping or "essential" exercise which had to be done outside once a day if needed. Those were the rules for everybody.

 

  Time was passing by very slowly. Everyday I was on my own with the baby. My family, who were suppose to be visiting from Canada, were not able to come. Everything was cancelled due to the pandemic. They weren't able to meet Jack as a baby and it was incredibly sad. It affected me tremendously having that natural right of my family wanting to meet my son taken away from me. Adam was considered an essential worker. Being in the motor trade he was required to be at work as normal once his paternity leave ended. No friends, no other family and no social interactions were allowed at all. All of this brutal isolation and being a first time mum was torturous for my mental health. I was declining quick. The pandemic wasn't the overall cause of how I was feeling. It was a big contribution, however, it was like a switch had been flicked in my brain and I didn't feel like myself...at all. Something was very wrong with me and I remember feeling out of character. 

 

  The best way I could describe my feelings as I was getting worse was the intense feeling of suffocation. No matter what I Googled, who I spoke to on Facetime or what room I chose to be in on a particular day for a change of scenery, I felt in every second (unless I was sleeping) claustrophobic in my own home and I was slowly imploding on myself. It was as if the walls were closing in and the feeling of pure doom and gloom clouded my head. Knowing I had very little help in the physical made me feel extremely depressed. 

 

  Adam was a great help in the evenings and through the night with the baby. He's a great father! He took the edge off when he was around. But those intense feelings within me would never disappear despite him being home. I continued to feel this way for sometime. I tried being optimistic and positive. Reminding myself everyday this wasn't going to be forever. The feelings will eventually get better and Jack will grow up so try to enjoy it. But I couldn't. My head was elsewhere and I wasn't able to make myself go back to like how I was before having Jack. 

 

   I phoned my healthcare visitor when Jack was 4 months and she did an assessment on me. She told me I was likely experiencing post-natal depression but she wasnt able to properly diagnose me due to the fact my feelings may have been distorted by the